Journal Entry 1

Lately, my heart has been on a life line of distress. It's unfortunate that I am not feeling well. But it's so awesome for me that my God is mighty to save.

Abba I say,

O Lord, you have examined my heart
and know everything about me.
You know when I sit down or stand up.
You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
You see me when I travel
and when I rest at home.
You know everything I do.
You know what I am going to say
even before I say it, Lord.
You go before me and follow me.
You place your hand of blessing on my head.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too great for me to understand!

So my heart has turn bitter and hardened. So hardened; I can't love. So hardened; I have become the bitter bunch of the group. I don't what's going on. One moment: I'm happy. The next, I become angry and bitter. Is it safe to say that I'm probably bi-polar and emotionally-driven? 

So God, I don't know myself. I've lost it. But I hold on and trust in you. Search me, God. Know me.

Lately, I cringe when I come to church. I twitch in disgust, I get angry over the sins, I am mad. I have turned MAD. "Crazy women 'up'n hurr'! 'up'n hurr'!" says the whispers pointing towards me.

But look at myself: My hypocrisy. I am dirty and unclean and everyone seems so holy.

Ok God. I don't want to be fake. I don't want to act like "everything is fine." No. Something is wrong. Something is really wrong. Something is so wrong.

And your red flags are brightly flashing before me. What am I to do?

Walk it out. If you want it. Come and get it.

And Jesus said, "He who has ears to hear, let him hear." -Mark 4:9