Journal Entry 4

I wrote this a long time ago. I found it in my laptop hard drives and I just wanted to share it with my families.

God where am I?

I don’t know if I’ve had faced such madness.

It takes my heart in an unpeaced condition.

Where Do I keep going to?

Am I of a dark heart?

I don’t understand God.

No matter the try is, it seems as if

We’re still the same.

Same.

Same to where we first began: chained.

Now this hasn’t become so serious at first.

But now it has.

Why?

Probably I can’t stand it any longer?

It’s true they haven’t said anything, done anything to hurt me.

So why do I hate them?

Why do I not like them?

Do I even have a reason?

Why am I bound to this?

I’m sorry you guys. I wish I wasn’t here. I wish I wasn’t in your life.

I wish I wasn’t in the band. I wish I didn’t go to your church.

I wish I didn’t play the guitar, I wish you and I nevered met. I wish that I can just erase all the madness I’ve put upon you all to feel a certain way about me.

I’m just struggling to love God.

Maybe you don’t.

But I do.

That’s probably why I’m so in pain.

I miss God.

I’m at my most empty season.

I’ve been struggling with sin. A sin you probably wouldn’t understand.

I guess I hate you all because deep inside, you and I struggle to love God; to love each other. I guess I hate you all because I felt as if I meant nothing to you.

I guess I hate you all because this ministry didn’t really matter to you nowadays. You probably hate this church as much I hate it. You left it so it can suffer in vain. You really don’t care where the church is heading: hell. You might end there too. I might end there too.  There is no restoration. No revival. No love. Not a single care. We talk about it. We talk about how it can be better but you and I don’t ever care to expand the solution. We just add to the problem.

We are accountable and responsible where this church is heading. Because we all contributed to where it’s heading. We neglected the need of our church.  Boy, if we were extremely evil and selfish, we would say that the church neglected us first.

 No one really cares. This is it.

I speak for myself and behalf of the church:

I’m going downhill. I can’t even talk to you guys about it.

All you do is judge me. And hopefully talk about me.  

You don’t even want to help me.

You don’t even want to pray for me.

You don’t even want to deal with me.

You don’t even want to inspire me.

You don’t even want to encourage me.

I don’t need your words. I need you to show me.

That you care for me. That you care for God, at most.

But you say you do it for God.

But your heart is twisted and you lied to me.

Because if God was what you cared for, you would have cared for me—even if I was corrupted

And I am corrupted. And you see that I am.

You knew.

And you did nothing about it.